Life After Moving

18 Sep

Moving your family from one state to another is a rancid and despicable process, but now that it’s done I have a few points of interest I’d like to share with you wonderful people.

1. We are in our new place now, but it took about a month to get here. I’ve been so focused on getting all the furniture in and TCB (that’s “taking care of business,” non-Elvis fans) that I’ve barely had a chance to poke around. Finally I did, and here’s what I discovered. We have a 2nd refrigerator in the garage. It has a duck in it. An entire duck, with feathers, and a beak. I’m no doctor, but it seems to be dead. It isn’t moving, and it’s in a clear plastic freezer bag. And I want the family of this duck to know that I WILL NOT REST UNTIL I FIND THE ONE WHO DID THIS.

2. We were forced to live out of hotel rooms for over a week on our way to our future home, but I did manage to get away and see the new Batman. Masterpiece. Also, I talk like Bane now. It’s endlessly amusing to give instructions to your children using Tom Hardy’s chillingly weird “Bane” voice, and no matter what you say, no matter how mundane, it always sounds like a preface to some heinous act. Lucy, I thought I told you to put your shoes in the closet, not in the middle of the floor becomes part of the monologue before pushing the button on the Super Bigger-Than-The-Sun Explosion Bomb you’ve built using the forced labor of kidnapped scientists (or whatever devious weapon you personally prefer). And, again, I’ll say it proudly: The Dark Knight Rises is a masterpiece–though I sense a somewhat tepid response from the movie-going world. Maybe I’m just out of touch. Did it do well? Well, anyway, I thought it was a masterpiece (did I mention that I thought it was a masterpiece?). So many cool things to think about during that movie, and, yes, as the wise Father Barron pointed out, major Christological implications.

You think the duck in the refrigerator is your ally? I was BORN with a duck in my refrigerator!

3. I’ve gotten some great communications from people well on the road to spiritual healing in the face of spiritual attack, and that’s awesome. On the other hand, I know of some who badly need healing who haven’t gotten it yet. Keep them in your prayers, please. Seriously.

4. Finally, and most importantly: there’s a new Lordling on the way! A beh-beh. Could be a boy, could be a girl, I just don’t know. Definitely human. About the size of a plum, at this point, with little beh-beh digits and teeny organs. Connected to another person (the mother) by living tissue. Weird, wonderful, mysterious–that’s life.

beh-beh

Because It’s So Hot…

2 Jul

…I thought you might enjoy a little ice-cold psychological manipulation:

Ahhh…isn’t that nice? Here’s another one:

Mmmm. Chilly.

That’s right, just go ahead and put your foot right in. You’ll feel so much better.

Sure, and while you’re soaking your feet in ice, have another refreshing glass of ice water. And you know what’s really great? That piece of ice on the left three up from the bottom is actually a 25 carat diamond! And it’s ALL YOURS!!!

Well, hey! Looks like an early snow! Better bundle up.

There. I hope everyone feels better now. Have an excellent Independence Day, and while you’re shooting Roman Candle balls into your next door neighbor’s parchment-dry backyard, and keeping in mind that our country now bears almost no resemblance whatsoever to the country our Founding Fathers fought to establish, remember this: God made us free.

Just to Show How Stupid I Am…

26 Jun

…After nearly forty-two years on planet Earth, I think I can confidently explain who Jesus means when he says in Mt 5:3 “Blessed are the poor in spirit.”

The poor are people who have nothing. They are like Steve Martin in The Jerk, only without the ash tray, or the paddle game, or the chair, etc., etc. The poor have nothing. But that doesn’t automatically make them blessed. After all, some of them might go day after day despising their poverty, filled up with bitterness. They could hate God for it, and if they died that day they might march sullenly right down to hell. Poverty itself is not good, or a cause for happiness.

The poor in spirit might technically own some things, but they know it isn’t really theirs. They know that it all comes from God. In other words, they are people who know they have nothing and who choose to trust in their heavenly Father.

More’s Monkey

More

A rich guy can be poor in spirit—St. Thomas More had a big household, the chancellorship, loads of British currency, even a pet monkey. But he was poor in spirit; he knew at all times that they were gifts given him from God. He always knew he was just renting, with no real ownership rights. He was at all times ready to give any or all of them up, as directed by the Holy Spirit. Eventually, Thomas was asked to give them all up, and so he did.

Francesco di Bernardone and Some Guy’s Skull

St. Francis of Assisi was a rich guy, too. He had it all,and, unlike Thomas, there was no earthly pressure to give it up. But he did…he dropped everything, literally, right in the middle of a legal proceeding with Mr. Bernardone watching and everything. But Francis could not have made that break with traditional society if he was not already poor—in spirit.

“It is the Spirit that gives life,” said Jesus, “The flesh is of no avail.” If “flesh” equals “material goods of any kind,” then I can easily see why I could pile on all the flesh I like and never be “blessed.” But by the same token, I can take away all the flesh I like, too, and if I’m not poor in spirit it won’t do me any good.

The whole thing turns on being humble—consciously knowing that everything we have comes from God, including mere existence. When things get taken away (as they must), like the waves running from the shore, I have to love God just as much as when the waves were up to my waist and I was happily splashing in the water. If God makes the waves of material goods flow away, he’s still God. He’s still Dad. When I have lots of things—plenty of food for the kids, a full tank of gas in the van, a bottle of wine waiting on the counter—I know that He’s a good Dad. When the things become rare…what? Did God turn evil? Nope. I love him. I love his will, because it’s always good, and it’s always moving me towards Him.

That, at least, is what I keep telling myself. It took me nearly 42 years to get to this point so, based on that rate, and factoring in a general decline in mental acuity and physical health, I calculate that I will be The Official Next St. Francis by 2074, barring some unforeseen capitulation to the Devil involving real estate in New Zealand and an offshore bank account.

I have all the time in the world, Mr. Lord! All the time in the woooorrrrrlllld…

Hey, Isn’t That Dan Lord’s Book Over There?

10 Jun

My forthcoming book is now the leprechaun of the book world–if you look closely at the following image, you can spot it, right next to that immense pink book about sex.

My spousal entity just happened to set up her book next to it at the recent RBTE in Chicago. Isn’t that bizarre? Even I hadn’t seen it yet! Anyway, it’s due out in September, and I’m radically thrilled. A thousand gold coins to the next person who spots it before the release date!*

* this one-time offer excludes all employees of Our Sunday Visitor Publishing, and my wife. And leprechauns.

That Strangest of Wine Guides, Issue # 2!

16 May

At last! Now that Lent is long over and we’re deep into Easter season, it’s time to re-enter the bright atmosphere of Planet Wine! I introduced the one and only That Strangest of Wine Guides not long ago (go here to check out Issue #1), and and it is a fact that since then national wine sales have increased significantly compared to the same time a year before!! Is there a causal relationship between increased wine sales and That Strangest of Wine Guides? Do you even need to ask?! Regardless, I have some swell new wine recommendations for you, so please: read on!

Brand: Beringer

Kind: Moscato

Price: Less than $10, but not so inexpensive that you worry it will taste like Hawaiian Punch

A Moscato is a type of grape, and Beringer evidently has access to large numbers of them. Their Moscato wine is cheap ($5.99 a bottle in my neck of the woods) and very nice—refreshing, not too sweet, and teeming with antioxidant flavonoids. Plus, it’s just tastes happy. Yes, that’s right, I’m officially labeling it a “happy” wine. Thank you to Jen G. for her recommendation—salud!

Brand: Bota Box

Kind: Shiraz

Price: $20-25

Ahhhhhhhh, box wines. They were were confusing to us all, at first, because of their external shape, which was, by anyone’s standards, not bottle-shaped. It seemed alien and strange—as if we’d given up steak and broccoli spears for freeze-dried astronaut food. And, on top of that, my first box wines were Franzia and Black Box—and I did not like them. Apologies to everybody who likes them—I just don’t. But then, my friend Annie Mitchell of Sacred Heart Radio fame and a contributing author to my lovely wife’s wildly successful tome, Style, Sex and Substance , brought over….pause for dramatic effect….the Bota Box. Bota Box’s Shiraz is like Elvis on velvet, but without the Elvis, meaning it’s like velvet, or ‘velvety,’ which is a word I sometimes hear wine critics use, but seems weird since I would never drink velvet. But I would drink Bota Box’s Shiraz, again and again! And I can, too, since box wines last forever. They’re a little more expensive, but there’s a LOT of wine in them thangs (3 liters for about $20-25). And it’s always fresh; the tap system prevents air from getting in. So, the last glass is exactly as good as the first one. Amazing. If you’ve been putting off box wines (and I don’t blame you) give the Bota Box a try. In fact, I now use the term “bota box” to mean “anything cool or good.” As in: “I just watched a Buster Keaton film I had never seen before, and it was so bota box.”

Brand: Anyphooey, says I

Kind: Pinot noir

Price: varies

I’ve tried several Pinot noirs, but I just can’t get into them. The reason is because they can’t decide what they want to be. “We’re dry and dark like a Cabernet! Oh, but also we’re sweet and light!” There are just too many inherent contradictions in a Pinot noir. It’s not a Catholic wine—it offends reason, and offers a false vision of spiritual fulfillment. Go ahead: say I’m going too far. I stand by my words.

BONUS: That Strangest of Cigar Reviews!!! My father-in-law came into town a few nights ago and, as is our tradition, we spent some time having a couple of drinks, talking religion, and smoking cigars. We used to smoke just cheap stuff, like Perfectos, which are fine, but not long ago he brought over some rare stuff from faraway Mexico. That was a game-changer. On this most recent visit he brought a couple of Carlos Toraños—and be sure you make full use of that tilde over the “n”, because it makes it sound a lot cooler when you say the name. Outstanding cigar. Comes in a glass beaker, wrapped in cedar bark. Goes well with Sierra Nevada Pale Ale. Within 30 minutes of lighting up I was able to establish two legitimate points of contact between Catholicism and Sufism and give my father-in-law a concise explanation of Pope Benedict XVI’s Deus Caritas Est. Muy bueno, Senor Toraños.

That’s all for now, everybody. Until next time: here’s to you!

I Thank You!

14 May

As some TSOW readers may have gathered, my dear old Dad passed away about three weeks ago. He was a great man. I miss him–but in a healthy way, the way you miss someone you know you’ll see again some day, God willing. I want to say thank you–thank you so much–to all of you who prayed for me and my Dad, sent me emails, posted condolences on Twitter (which, I suppose, ought to be called “Tweetolences”), left warm, supportive comments either for me or by way of Hallie. So many good people out there.

And at the risk of this sounding like some kind of awards speech, I’d also like to say thank you to everybody who came out to my presentation for Theology on Tap in Cincinnati. You people were amazingly encouraging and enthusiastic. It helped a lot, I think, that your senses of humor were as offbeat as my own.

God bless everybody–is that over the top? Well, too late. I wrote it. Back again for more TSOW posts soon!

A Jack for all Seasons

22 Apr

In 1571, the chivalrous Don Juan of Austria led Pope St. Pius V’s hastily gathered defense forces in an epic sea battle at Lepanto against the invading Ottoman Empire and won a history-changing victory. The Ottomans, with their bloodlust, greed, state-run slavery, forced conversions and knuckle-dragging obscurantism, were run out of town and set on a slow spiral down into the sink of history. If, by some unhappy turn of events, an Ottoman-like empire should threaten the world again sometime in the next thirty years, I’d like to nominate my second son, Jack, to lead the resistance…

Read more about Don Jack of Ohio and the Attempting-to-be-Holy League here!

Hello Atheist, My Old Friend

16 Apr

Many of you say you don’t believe in God, but I don’t believe you. Call me an “aatheist”. I think you’re rejecting other negative things that you associate with belief in God, even you professional double black belt advanced level atheists who write whole books about not believing in God. I know you. You have been my friends, cohorts, co-employees and drinking buddies all of my life. I don’t believe there are really “40-50 million” of you in the U.S. as was blithely claimed in some article I read recently, but I know that the appeal of atheism is strong and you haven’t found a good reason to resist it. I can respect that. To a degree.

Read the rest of my strident, fanatical article at Creative Minority Report…

An Open Letter to Mel Gibson

12 Apr

Hello Mr. Gibson. I am a devoted fan of your work. What’s more, I can say without a single detectable trace of sycophancy that you have been a hero of mine for a long time—and not only because of your professional successes, either, but also because of your personal failures—or, rather, because of the way you are always struggling to rise above them.

Now that scriptwriter Joe “Grumpy Face” Eszterhas has loudly parted company with you, I humbly ask to be the scriptwriter for your next film about Judas Maccabeus. Am I qualified, you ask? I’ll go with a “yes” and a “no” on that one. “No,” because I’ve never written a script for a film before…never in my entire life. However, I’m a fast learner. Plus, when I Google “How do I write a script for a movie?” I get about 145,000 results, thereby placing all the information I need right at my very fingertips. THAT’s the power of the internet, Mr. Gibson. May I call you Mel? No? That’s alright.

So, that covers the “no” in my answer to “am I qualified to write a film script.” On the “yes” side, though, I have some pretty compelling points to mention.

  1. I’m a writer. I write, Mr. Gibson. A lot. Blog posts, articles, book reviews, and…AND…a book. Yes, it’s true. In September an entire whole book by me will be published and made available globally.
  2. I have a college degree. My diploma is right here in my fire-proof file cabinet next to me; it has my name on it and lots of fancy swirls in the corners which give it a really impressive look—like it’s an ancient document. My degree is in Catholic theology, which has absolutely no market value, but over the years I’ve amassed a fortune in background information on Maccabees 1 and 2. In fact, I included a part about the Maccabean Revolt in my forthcoming book—did I mention I have a book coming out? Oh, yes, there it is…in Point # 1.
  3. I don’t really have a Point # 3, to be honest. If anything, it would just be a gushing tide of all the movies you’ve ever been involved with—except Mrs. Soffel…I never saw that one and, let’s face it, I’ll probably never get around to it. Or Bird On a Wire, though I’m very fond of Goldie Hawn. “I’m very fond of Goldie Hawn”? Did you catch that? That’s kind of poetic. “Fond” and “Hawn” don’t completely rhyme, of course…more of a slant rhyme…but it has a nice, lyrical flow to it, don’t you think? That’s the kind  of talent I bring to the table, Mr. Gibson, that kind of intangible “something,” blended with an irresistible moxie, a boldness, a—how shall I say? A chutzpah. See that? Ancient Hebrew, Mr. Gibson. That’s my Theology background kicking in.

Think it over, Mel Mr. Gibson. If you hire me to write your script, I will write one that will…well, first, my head will explode. But then, after I have it surgically reassembled, I will write a script that will be worthy of your extraordinary artistic vision. God bless!

P.S. to all people of planet Earth: PLEASE forward this, tweet this, facebook it, digg it, propel it, disseminate it, broadcast it throughout the universe, as a personal favor to me! Even if Mel Gibson doesn’t hire me, even if he just read this it would be far beyond awesome!

The Grateful Drunk

11 Apr

Oh boy! Another true-life tale about my fraternization with drunks and my impending canonization! It’s up right now over at that finest of websites, Creative Minority Report. If you get a moment, go check it out. And, yes, there is a brief reference to Elevator Action in it.

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