At last! Now that Lent is long over and we’re deep into Easter season, it’s time to re-enter the bright atmosphere of Planet Wine! I introduced the one and only That Strangest of Wine Guides not long ago (go here to check out Issue #1), and and it is a fact that since then national wine sales have increased significantly compared to the same time a year before!! Is there a causal relationship between increased wine sales and That Strangest of Wine Guides? Do you even need to ask?! Regardless, I have some swell new wine recommendations for you, so please: read on!

Brand: Beringer

Kind: Moscato

Price: Less than $10, but not so inexpensive that you worry it will taste like Hawaiian Punch

A Moscato is a type of grape, and Beringer evidently has access to large numbers of them. Their Moscato wine is cheap ($5.99 a bottle in my neck of the woods) and very nice—refreshing, not too sweet, and teeming with antioxidant flavonoids. Plus, it’s just tastes happy. Yes, that’s right, I’m officially labeling it a “happy” wine. Thank you to Jen G. for her recommendation—salud!

Brand: Bota Box

Kind: Shiraz

Price: $20-25

Ahhhhhhhh, box wines. They were were confusing to us all, at first, because of their external shape, which was, by anyone’s standards, not bottle-shaped. It seemed alien and strange—as if we’d given up steak and broccoli spears for freeze-dried astronaut food. And, on top of that, my first box wines were Franzia and Black Box—and I did not like them. Apologies to everybody who likes them—I just don’t. But then, my friend Annie Mitchell of Sacred Heart Radio fame and a contributing author to my lovely wife’s wildly successful tome, Style, Sex and Substance , brought over….pause for dramatic effect….the Bota Box. Bota Box’s Shiraz is like Elvis on velvet, but without the Elvis, meaning it’s like velvet, or ‘velvety,’ which is a word I sometimes hear wine critics use, but seems weird since I would never drink velvet. But I would drink Bota Box’s Shiraz, again and again! And I can, too, since box wines last forever. They’re a little more expensive, but there’s a LOT of wine in them thangs (3 liters for about $20-25). And it’s always fresh; the tap system prevents air from getting in. So, the last glass is exactly as good as the first one. Amazing. If you’ve been putting off box wines (and I don’t blame you) give the Bota Box a try. In fact, I now use the term “bota box” to mean “anything cool or good.” As in: “I just watched a Buster Keaton film I had never seen before, and it was so bota box.”

Brand: Any

Kind: Pinot noir

Price: varies

I’ve tried several Pinot noirs, but I just can’t get into them. The reason is because they can’t decide what they want to be. “We’re dry and dark like a Cabernet! Oh, but also we’re sweet and light!” There are just too many inherent contradictions in a Pinot noir. It’s not a Catholic wine—it offends reason, and offers a false vision of spiritual fulfillment. Go ahead: say I’m going too far. I stand by my words.

BONUS: That Strangest of Cigar Reviews!!! My father-in-law came into town a few nights ago and, as is our tradition, we spent some time having a couple of drinks, talking religion, and smoking cigars. We used to smoke just cheap stuff, like Perfectos, which are fine, but not long ago he brought over some rare stuff from faraway Mexico. That was a game-changer. On this most recent visit he brought a couple of Carlos Toraños—and be sure you make full use of that tilde over the “n”, because it makes it sound a lot cooler when you say the name. Outstanding cigar. Comes in a glass beaker, wrapped in cedar bark. Goes well with Sierra Nevada Pale Ale. Within 30 minutes of lighting up I was able to establish two legitimate points of contact between Catholicism and Sufism and give my father-in-law a concise explanation of Pope Benedict XVI’s Deus Caritas Est. Muy bueno, Senor Toraños.

That’s all for now, everybody. Until next time: here’s to you!

And at the risk of this sounding like some kind of awards speech, I’d also like to say thank you to everybody who came out to my presentation for Theology on Tap in Cincinnati. You people were amazingly encouraging and enthusiastic. It helped a lot, I think, that your senses of humor were as offbeat as my own.

God bless everybody–is that over the top? Well, too late. I wrote it. Back again for more TSOW posts soon!

In 1571, the chivalrous Don Juan of Austria led Pope St. Pius V’s hastily gathered defense forces in an epic sea battle at Lepanto against the invading Ottoman Empire and won a history-changing victory. The Ottomans, with their bloodlust, greed, state-run slavery, forced conversions and knuckle-dragging obscurantism, were run out of town and set on a slow spiral down into the sink of history. If, by some unhappy turn of events, an Ottoman-like empire should threaten the world again sometime in the next thirty years, I’d like to nominate my second son, Jack, to lead the resistance…

Read more about Don Jack of Ohio and the Attempting-to-be-Holy League here!

Many of you say you don’t believe in God, but I don’t believe you. Call me an “aatheist”. I think you’re rejecting other negative things that you associate with belief in God, even you professional double black belt advanced level atheists who write whole books about not believing in God. I know you. You have been my friends, cohorts, co-employees and drinking buddies all of my life. I don’t believe there are really “40-50 million” of you in the U.S. as was blithely claimed in some article I read recently, but I know that the appeal of atheism is strong and you haven’t found a good reason to resist it. I can respect that. To a degree.

Read the rest of my strident, fanatical article at Creative Minority Report…

Hello Mr. Gibson. I am a devoted fan of your work. What’s more, I can say without a single detectable trace of sycophancy that you have been a hero of mine for a long time—and not only because of your professional successes, either, but also because of your personal failures—or, rather, because of the way you are always struggling to rise above them.

Now that scriptwriter Joe “Grumpy Face” Eszterhas has loudly parted company with you, I humbly ask to be the scriptwriter for your next film about Judas Maccabeus. Am I qualified, you ask? I’ll go with a “yes” and a “no” on that one. “No,” because I’ve never written a script for a film before…never in my entire life. However, I’m a fast learner. Plus, when I Google “How do I write a script for a movie?” I get about 145,000 results, thereby placing all the information I need right at my very fingertips. THAT’s the power of the internet, Mr. Gibson. May I call you Mel? No? That’s alright.

So, that covers the “no” in my answer to “am I qualified to write a film script.” On the “yes” side, though, I have some pretty compelling points to mention.

1. I’m a writer. I write, Mr. Gibson. A lot. Blog posts, articles, book reviews, and…AND…a book. Yes, it’s true. In September an entire whole book by me will be published and made available globally.
2. I have a college degree. My diploma is right here in my fire-proof file cabinet next to me; it has my name on it and lots of fancy swirls in the corners which give it a really impressive look—like it’s an ancient document. My degree is in Catholic theology, which has absolutely no market value, but over the years I’ve amassed a fortune in background information on Maccabees 1 and 2. In fact, I included a part about the Maccabean Revolt in my forthcoming book—did I mention I have a book coming out? Oh, yes, there it is…in Point # 1.
3. I don’t really have a Point # 3, to be honest. If anything, it would just be a gushing tide of all the movies you’ve ever been involved with—except Mrs. Soffel…I never saw that one and, let’s face it, I’ll probably never get around to it. Or Bird On a Wire, though I’m very fond of Goldie Hawn. “I’m very fond of Goldie Hawn”? Did you catch that? That’s kind of poetic. “Fond” and “Hawn” don’t completely rhyme, of course…more of a slant rhyme…but it has a nice, lyrical flow to it, don’t you think? That’s the kind  of talent I bring to the table, Mr. Gibson, that kind of intangible “something,” blended with an irresistible moxie, a boldness, a—how shall I say? A chutzpah. See that? Ancient Hebrew, Mr. Gibson. That’s my Theology background kicking in.

Think it over, Mel Mr. Gibson. If you hire me to write your script, I will write one that will…well, first, my head will explode. But then, after I have it surgically reassembled, I will write a script that will be worthy of your extraordinary artistic vision. God bless!

P.S. to all people of planet Earth: PLEASE forward this, tweet this, facebook it, digg it, propel it, disseminate it, broadcast it throughout the universe, as a personal favor to me! Even if Mel Gibson doesn’t hire me, even if he just read this it would be far beyond awesome!

I think it’s safe to say that I watch too many movies. I admit it. Then, I think about them too much, and write long, convoluted discourses about them, like this one.

The reality is that when we use the resources of science to look at the world what we find, if our eyes are open, are the things faith already told us about: divine beauty, and a flawless maestro ordering everything with endless creativity and precision.

Pardon the poetic mist in my post today, but dig on this and you’ll see what I’m talking about:

Hi everybody!

I’m officially a brain in a jar. I’ve spent so much time in my subterranean vault either writing, editing or composing music that my physical body has shriveled to the size and texture of a discarded raisin. On the bright side, though, I’ve learned to manipulate the keys on my computer using only my mind. So, that’s nice.

I’m working on two books at the same time, which you should never do. No man can serve two books. But I’m doing it anyway.

The first is the one I keep hinting at but which has yet to be released. It really is on the way, though, seriously. I’m not that wild-eyed paranoid guy at the pub with the leather satchel containing the book he’s written that supposedly will change the way the human race perceives reality but somehow never gets finished. You know that guy, right? Well, anyway, I couldn’t be him, because I no longer have arms for carrying a leather satchel or any feasible way to get to a pub, since I’m only a brain  in a jar now. And the book will not alter the way the human race perceives reality, unless the publisher decides to put one of those Magic Eye things on the cover, which is a really good idea, now that I mention it…

But it’s on its way, to be published by Our Sunday Visitor, and will likely be available in September of this year. That’s a little later than I’ve been advertising, so sorry about that.

The second book I’m working on is a fantasy novel. Yes, I can hear you saying it now: no, Dan! Don’t do it! Not a fantasy novel! Please! We don’t want to read about magical whatsits and stupid fairy beings and evil goblins and all that crap that’s been done to death! But, I tell you, I MUST DO THIS. I have some really cool new twists on the genre, and I firmly believe that my fantasy novel will alter the way the human race perceives reality. Which would make two books of mine that do that, assuming I use the Magic Eye thing on the covers of both.

Well, anyway, I’m enjoying the writing, as utterly time-consuming as it is. I’ve also managed to pen a small article which is up today over at Catholic Exchange. Check it out, if you have a few minutes, and I’m sure that you’ll agree that it is so profound that it will alter the way the human race perceives reality, which is something you’ll probably want to write in the combox.

Have a great week, and God bless!

On the other hand: IT’S ONLY NINE MONTHS OFF. Which gives me plenty of time to grow out my curly brown foot hair.