My Van Der Hagen Shave Set couldn't be more excited

My Van Der Hagen Shave Set couldn’t be more excited

We’ve shared some good times, Beard. And some not-so-good times. We’ve been together since…what? The beginning of Lent? That’s a long time, Beard.

But the time has come at last. I’m hereby removing you from the lower part of my face, and I won’t be reattaching you. Not anytime soon, anyway. Please don’t take this personally, Beard. It’s not you. It’s me.

Just to show you there are no hard feelings, I’ve reached into my literary vault and pulled out “I Have a Beard.” I’ll post it here. For you, Beard. Peace.

I Have A Beard by Dan Lord

I have a beard. It is coarse to the touch.
I grew it ‘cause I don’t like shaving so much.
Its shape is not trendy, is not avante-garde
I like that it makes me resemble a bard
It isn’t so thick that my lunch ends up in it
It isn’t so thin that my chin shows within it
It isn’t so long that a pygmy could bite it
It isn’t so itchy I cannot abide it
More professorial now, do I look,
A beard to go with my eyeglasses and book
A filter to trap my cigar smoke, how nice!
A sop for a drop from my whiskey on ice!
A something to tug while I’m deeply in thought
On historical battles and why they were fought
And whether the soldiers were bearded or not
If so, then what length? Did they make them feel hot?
I’d shave mine if I were at war, to stay cool
A beard I may wear but I’m not a damn fool
Au contraire! With this hair, that resides on my face
I’m respected, ask anyone here in this place
They’ll tell you: “That man, with the black-and-white beard
Is a gentleman-scholar whose mind should be feared!”
Not feared like a ghost; they don’t mean that, I’m sure.
“Feared”’s the wrong word, really, don’t you concur?
Why did they tell you that? I am not scary.
“Brilliant” is better, because I’m so hairy.
Though many wore beards who were very much feared:
The dad in The Amityville Horror had a beard
Charles Manson did, too, he was really a freak
And the Unabomber lived in the woods by a creek
I made up the “creek” part, in fact, I don’t know
But he sure had a beard, man he let that thing grow!
The point, you can see, is that I’m not like him
Anyone here would concur, just ask them.
A beard I do have! It is coarse to the touch.
I grew it ‘cause I don’t like shaving so much.

3 thoughts on “Farewell, My Beard

  1. This is the most (okay, the only) fantastic poem I have EVER read about a beard. I am going to share it with my husband – whose name also happens to be Dan – and I know that he will want a copy that he can carry around and clutch to his heart whenever necessary. He shaved his beard recently, and it was a solemn day.

    This post is comedic gold!!:)

    • Thanks, Heather! And please give all my best to your beardless husband.

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