At last! Now that Lent is long over and we’re deep into Easter season, it’s time to re-enter the bright atmosphere of Planet Wine! I introduced the one and only That Strangest of Wine Guides not long ago (go here to check out Issue #1), and and it is a fact that since then national wine sales have increased significantly compared to the same time a year before!! Is there a causal relationship between increased wine sales and That Strangest of Wine Guides? Do you even need to ask?! Regardless, I have some swell new wine recommendations for you, so please: read on!
Brand: Beringer
Kind: Moscato
Price: Less than $10, but not so inexpensive that you worry it will taste like Hawaiian Punch
A Moscato is a type of grape, and Beringer evidently has access to large numbers of them. Their Moscato wine is cheap ($5.99 a bottle in my neck of the woods) and very nice—refreshing, not too sweet, and teeming with antioxidant flavonoids. Plus, it’s just tastes happy. Yes, that’s right, I’m officially labeling it a “happy” wine. Thank you to Jen G. for her recommendation—salud!
Brand: Bota Box
Kind: Shiraz
Price: $20-25
Ahhhhhhhh, box wines. They were were confusing to us all, at first, because of their external shape, which was, by anyone’s standards, not bottle-shaped. It seemed alien and strange—as if we’d given up steak and broccoli spears for freeze-dried astronaut food. And, on top of that, my first box wines were Franzia and Black Box—and I did not like them. Apologies to everybody who likes them—I just don’t. But then, my friend Annie Mitchell of Sacred Heart Radio fame and a contributing author to my lovely wife’s wildly successful tome, Style, Sex and Substance , brought over….pause for dramatic effect….the Bota Box. Bota Box’s Shiraz is like Elvis on velvet, but without the Elvis, meaning it’s like velvet, or ‘velvety,’ which is a word I sometimes hear wine critics use, but seems weird since I would never drink velvet. But I would drink Bota Box’s Shiraz, again and again! And I can, too, since box wines last forever. They’re a little more expensive, but there’s a LOT of wine in them thangs (3 liters for about $20-25). And it’s always fresh; the tap system prevents air from getting in. So, the last glass is exactly as good as the first one. Amazing. If you’ve been putting off box wines (and I don’t blame you) give the Bota Box a try. In fact, I now use the term “bota box” to mean “anything cool or good.” As in: “I just watched a Buster Keaton film I had never seen before, and it was so bota box.”
Brand: Any
Kind: Pinot noir
Price: varies
I’ve tried several Pinot noirs, but I just can’t get into them. The reason is because they can’t decide what they want to be. “We’re dry and dark like a Cabernet! Oh, but also we’re sweet and light!” There are just too many inherent contradictions in a Pinot noir. It’s not a Catholic wine—it offends reason, and offers a false vision of spiritual fulfillment. Go ahead: say I’m going too far. I stand by my words.
BONUS: That Strangest of Cigar Reviews!!! My father-in-law came into town a few nights ago and, as is our tradition, we spent some time having a couple of drinks, talking religion, and smoking cigars. We used to smoke just cheap stuff, like Perfectos, which are fine, but not long ago he brought over some rare stuff from faraway Mexico. That was a game-changer. On this most recent visit he brought a couple of Carlos Toraños—and be sure you make full use of that tilde over the “n”, because it makes it sound a lot cooler when you say the name. Outstanding cigar. Comes in a glass beaker, wrapped in cedar bark. Goes well with Sierra Nevada Pale Ale. Within 30 minutes of lighting up I was able to establish two legitimate points of contact between Catholicism and Sufism and give my father-in-law a concise explanation of Pope Benedict XVI’s Deus Caritas Est. Muy bueno, Senor Toraños.
That’s all for now, everybody. Until next time: here’s to you!
I appreciate that you put the king of wines in its rightful place: at the tippy top.
Nice. Don’t forget to roll those r’s as well. Really get into it, Dan. It may help if you have some of that bota box action first.
I am going to run right out and see if my local liquor store has any.
Thanks to you, ladyofquality, now that I’m making full use of the tilde AND rolling the “r”, I have become magically irresistible to my wife. Gracias.
Not so fast mister! it’s señor not senor
Zoiks! A tildeless ‘n’!!
Yay Dan….I’m glad you liked my recommendation! If you love sweet but not too sweet wines, also check out Silver Nectar by Chumeia Vineyards. I’ve never seen it in the usual places, only through wine shops. But, it is excellent and only about $12 a bottle.
Haha, may I simply put forward for your consideration – it is *because* of the Catholic Church that the only two grape varietals allowed in Burgundy are Chardonnay and, yes, Pinot Noir.
The “dry and dark” + “light and sweet” make it sound like you’ve been trying New World wines; try some Old World ones. You just might find less contradictions.
gukkhser, thank you for this and all your other great comments! You bring some much-needed erudition to That Strangest of Wine Guides!
Well, hey, thanks so much for coming out to Cincinnati to speak at Theology on Tap!!! Wish we could’ve heard you sing, though =)
Any recommendations for these mysterious ‘Old World’ wines, gukkhser?
An “Old World” style wine is any wine from France, Italy, Spain, Germany, Portugal, Austria, Greece, Hungary, or Romania. Any wine from any other country is considered “New World.” Climate in Old World countries tend to be cooler than in New World countries, and among other differences, in a varietal like a Pinot Noir, this will bring out more of the “light and sweet” side as opposed to the “dark and dry” side. Try a classic Pinot Noir from Burgundy, like a Gevrey-Chambertin. You can find bottles for as low as $12.
Thanks for the input! Seems obvious now that you say it- how silly of me. I will try the Pinot you recommended!
I thought a ‘Burgundy’ was a type of wine, not a place. Although now that I think about it, I recall that, in France anyway, wines are named for their location and not their grape type, as we’re accustomed to. Thus, ‘Champagne,’ is only truly grown in the region of Champagne, I believe.
I’ll bet Dan is thrilled to know that his seemingly religious blog is also helping out clueless wannabe wine connoisseurs .
“…in France… wines are named for their location and not their grape type” <– correct =) The exception in France would be Alsace; they are allowed to label by varietal.
And correct also concerning Champagne, but the method that they use to make Champagne – called "methode champenoise" in Champagne and "classic" or "traditional" method anywhere else – is also used elsewhere, so you'll find Champagne-style wines outside of Champagne, such as Cremant from anywhere in France that isn't Champagne, as well as Franciacorta from Italy and Cava from Spain.
Hey, the Catholic Church preserved wine- and beer-culture through the Dark Ages! We would literally be centuries behind in both if it were not for Mother Church. One more reason to love Her oh so much xD