An Open Letter to Mel Gibson

Hello Mr. Gibson. I am a devoted fan of your work. What’s more, I can say without a single detectable trace of sycophancy that you have been a hero of mine for a long time—and not only because of your professional successes, either, but also because of your personal failures—or, rather, because of the way you are always struggling to rise above them.

Now that scriptwriter Joe “Grumpy Face” Eszterhas has loudly parted company with you, I humbly ask to be the scriptwriter for your next film about Judas Maccabeus. Am I qualified, you ask? I’ll go with a “yes” and a “no” on that one. “No,” because I’ve never written a script for a film before…never in my entire life. However, I’m a fast learner. Plus, when I Google “How do I write a script for a movie?” I get about 145,000 results, thereby placing all the information I need right at my very fingertips. THAT’s the power of the internet, Mr. Gibson. May I call you Mel? No? That’s alright.

So, that covers the “no” in my answer to “am I qualified to write a film script.” On the “yes” side, though, I have some pretty compelling points to mention.

1. I’m a writer. I write, Mr. Gibson. A lot. Blog posts, articles, book reviews, and…AND…a book. Yes, it’s true. In September an entire whole book by me will be published and made available globally.
2. I have a college degree. My diploma is right here in my fire-proof file cabinet next to me; it has my name on it and lots of fancy swirls in the corners which give it a really impressive look—like it’s an ancient document. My degree is in Catholic theology, which has absolutely no market value, but over the years I’ve amassed a fortune in background information on Maccabees 1 and 2. In fact, I included a part about the Maccabean Revolt in my forthcoming book—did I mention I have a book coming out? Oh, yes, there it is…in Point # 1.
3. I don’t really have a Point # 3, to be honest. If anything, it would just be a gushing tide of all the movies you’ve ever been involved with—except Mrs. Soffel…I never saw that one and, let’s face it, I’ll probably never get around to it. Or Bird On a Wire, though I’m very fond of Goldie Hawn. “I’m very fond of Goldie Hawn”? Did you catch that? That’s kind of poetic. “Fond” and “Hawn” don’t completely rhyme, of course…more of a slant rhyme…but it has a nice, lyrical flow to it, don’t you think? That’s the kind  of talent I bring to the table, Mr. Gibson, that kind of intangible “something,” blended with an irresistible moxie, a boldness, a—how shall I say? A chutzpah. See that? Ancient Hebrew, Mr. Gibson. That’s my Theology background kicking in.

Think it over, Mel Mr. Gibson. If you hire me to write your script, I will write one that will…well, first, my head will explode. But then, after I have it surgically reassembled, I will write a script that will be worthy of your extraordinary artistic vision. God bless!

P.S. to all people of planet Earth: PLEASE forward this, tweet this, facebook it, digg it, propel it, disseminate it, broadcast it throughout the universe, as a personal favor to me! Even if Mel Gibson doesn’t hire me, even if he just read this it would be far beyond awesome!